Feeling like a female Fred Astaire, I gleefully dance and sing amidst a quiet, empty house cradling an empty laundry basket on my hip in search of stray clothing strewn around by my three boys. This morning, I will not curse the large globs of toothpaste clogging the sink or the puddle of urine pooled on the back of the toilet seat- nope, not today. It is the first day of school and I will perform my mundane domestic duties with pleasure; for nobody can ask me any questions for 7 hours. 7 hours!
My 12 year old’s room is always the cleanest so I sashay through it first, collecting only one sock and a pair of boxers lying outside the shower door. I pause at the bathroom vanity- should I do it or should I just walk away? I decide to do it. I run my fingers over the bristles of his toothbrush- YES! They are wet! He actually brushed his teeth instead of masking the evening’s film with a minty piece of gum. I glow with pride.
The comforter on his bed is only partially messed so I flatten it out and straighten his pillows. And then I catch a glimpse of the object on the other side of his bed. Only a garbage can, but a garbage can overflowing with wads of tissue placed next to the wooden toy chest illustrating nursery rhymes that used to hold all his little boy toys. My heart drops to my stomach and emotion chops through my cheerful mood like a Ginsu knife.
I call my husband at work and find no reassurance during our eight second conversation, “Of course he’s doing that. He’s 12. I gotta jump- I have another call.”
So what is a distressed mom to do but go online? I mean- I need to address this tissue issue with him, tell him it’s normal, tell him not to feel bad, then kindly ask him to do it in the shower so I am oblivious to the frequency. After hours of online browsing, the whole time feeling that I was doing something illegal, I got some good tips on how to talk to my son about masturbation. I also learned some interesting facts that made the whole uncomfortable search more interesting:
-During the Victorian era, masturbation was seen as a sign of weak moral fiber. Presbyterian minister Sylvester Graham invented his famous crackers to suppress sexual urges, and many believed a plain diet would help curb masturbation*
-Male fetuses have been observed grabbing their penises*
-Parents should say: “I promise never to walk in on you in the bathroom or your bedroom when the door is closed unless I knock first.” *
-It does NOT cause blindness or deafness (has anyone ever really thought this? if true, we would all have but 3 senses)
At 3:30, when I see him coming up the driveway my hands instinctively come together and begin to nervously circle each other. I can’t think about this anymore- I need to get “the talk” over with. He walks in and grunts avoiding eye contact with me as usual. I offer him a drink and a snack and he questions my kindness. He’s really tired and just wants to go to his room to “rest” before soccer practice. Yeah sure you do buddy. I just blurt it out, “I just want you to know that it’s okay to, ya know, to explore your body. It’s totally normal. I don’t want you to feel bad about it.”
From the look of disgust on his face you would think I just told him that I am serving up the neighbor’s cat for dinner. “Whuuuuut are you talking about?” Then he sneezed. “Maaaahm, staaahhp.” (Sounding eerily similar to Napoleon Dynamite).
As he walks up the stairs, I continue to reassure him that touching himself is quite all right and that I will always knock first. I also promise that he will not go blind and graham crackers will not suppress sexual feelings. Again, he flashes me the “cat for dinner” look, sneezes and asks me why I’m saying all this stuff.
I tell him that I saw all the tissue in the garbage and it’s no big deal but the shower might be a better place to take care of business.
Napoleon Dynamite returns, “Maaahhhm staaahhp. I was up all night coughing and my nose was running. Didn’t you hear me? Gaaahhhd. I used my whole box of tissues last night.” He sneezes again.
Oh. Oops.
* http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/parents/2027-tips-kids-mast
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