Casting Call My A$$

Two weeks ago, my 8 year old decided that he wanted to be an actor.  When this boy gets an idea in his head, ignoring him is not an option.  He began researching acting classes, studying the acting methods of all those insanely rich kids on the Disney Channel and even combing his hair in the morning.  In an effort to not shatter his dream, I said little and patiently waited for him to move on to the next career goal such as professional football player or cosmonaut specializing in the destruction of space junk.

One Saturday afternoon while I was combing the local craft store for unnecessary Halloween décor, my phone started barking like a dog indicating it was a call from home.  My boys have been warned against frivolously calling my cell phone so I figured it must be important.  It was my husband.  As he spoke there was so much commotion in the background that I had to move the phone away from my ear.

“Guys, shhhhh!” he said.  Then continued with, “Sorry, they are just really excited.”

When I asked what the excitement was about, he asked if I’d like to hear the good news or the bad news first.  Naturally, I chose bad news.

“The bad news is that the event I’m about to mention is on Wednesday night and I’ll be out of town.  The good news is that the boys have an audition for a Disney show!”

This did not excite me for 2 reasons:

  1.  Wednesday nights were chock full of activities and I had no desire to sit around for hours waiting for them to audition at some hotel 45 minutes away.
  2.   I smelled a rat.  Why would such a popular network need to seek out stars?

Apparently there was a radio commercial advertising a casting call for aspiring child actors.  This agency was in our town for only one day and could only accommodate a limited number of auditions so it was advised to “CALL NOW!”  Max memorized the number, an audition time was appointed and a script was emailed.  Since I did not want these fragile boys to harbor resentment toward me for the rest of their un-famous lives, I went with it.  I coached them on their script, put them in fancy clothes and drove them to the audition that would “only take an hour.”

Once inside the building, we were directed to the first of many lines.  Max inched along the floor doing his 4th grade homework while Brody kept bothering his 11 year-old brother to take him to the bathroom every 20 minutes.  After about an hour of blaring fluorescent lights and dirty carpet in the wrap-around hallway, we reached a door bolstering a sign that read something along the lines of “Talent and Acting.”  Super unique name, huh?  The room behind the door resembled that of a Department of Motor Vehicles.  There were rows and rows of black, plastic chairs and hundreds of bitter people.  We filled out some forms and the “hostess” led us to our seats explaining that we would be called and told which door to stand behind.

Eventually, the director of the “Talent and Acting” place graced us with his presence and gave a 40 minute speech about people that have made it BIG from this agency.  He gave personal stories that tugged at heartstrings and warned us that we should only be here if we are VERY SERIOUS about modeling and acting.  If we do get chosen, we need to be prepared to move to NY or LA for obvious reasons.  And parents need to be on board because this is a huge commitment.  Without parental support, they were not interested in our children.  He also explained that the agency did not have a “pubic” website- it was more of a “secret” website.  If you were chosen, you would get a secret password to access the secret site.

After his heartfelt speech, the boys (Max in particular) were pumped.  The enthusiasm died down after another hour, but we eventually got called and were told to stand behind door #3.

At this point, Brody just wanted to go home, but Max got his second wind.  When we finally entered door #3 (which was a bare office containing a desk and two chairs), Max began speaking to the woman that introduced herself as Missy but remained seated behind the desk, her only tool being an iPad.  Max paced the room with wide eyes telling Missy how excited and nervous he was and that he really, really wanted to be an actor.  She asked him a few questions, then held up her iPad and said “action.”  Max said every line perfectly with enthusiasm and attitude.  I was quite proud.

Then it was Brody’s turn.  He walked up to the desk, yawned, then looked at me and said, “I don’t know what to say.”

He eventually got his lines out and I was relieved the whole thing was over.

Missy explained that “call backs” would be done tomorrow between 10am-12pm.  She asked me which phone number was best and circled it on the form.  If the agency called and we did not answer, we were out of luck.  Also- she handed me the agency’s marketing brochure and urged me to read it in depth when I got home.  It was very important that I read all the material before the potential phone call in the morning.

Walking to the car, I felt so dirty that I needed a shower.  Max kept chattering on and on about how excited he was and repeatedly reminded me to make sure my phone was charged for tomorrow.  I bought all 3 of them milkshakes at 9pm and explained to Max that becoming a star could not be this easy.  If he wanted to be an actor, this would be one of thousands of auditions.

After putting the boys to bed, I read the agency materials.  If my child was chosen, I could choose between several marketing “packages” ranging from $2,000 up to $7,500.  I did some googling and found this site, which explains it best:  http://actingcareerinfo.com/scam-agencies-vs-real-talent-agencies/

So what happened between 10am-12pm the next day?  Nothing.  However, at 12:10pm, I received a call from an “unknown caller” and I did not answer.  Then 3 hours later I received a text from Missy:

“Congratulations to BRODY for making our callback list!  He is one of the few chosen and will have to come for a final audition tonight at 7:15.  Should we choose to work with him, we will explain the marketing process and you will chose the package that you would like to take care of financially today.”                                               

When the boys asked, I told them we never got a call.  Max would have been crushed if he found out his little bro made the cut while practically picking his nose when they called “action.”  I chalked this up to a learning experience and I’m happy to say that Max has re-directed his energy toward his obsession with fantasy football.

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